The parable of the Prodigal Son is very well known. It's used as an example to make all kinds of different points. It's an amazing story of redemption, parental love, forgiveness, etc.
I've always kinda hated it. That loser brother is so annoying. "Dad, give me all MY money. I'm leaving and I don't care about you or anything you've done for me. I'm going to be a huge douche bag, waste all your hard earned cash on frivolity, laze around with my loser friends who barely know me, end up homeless, destitute and depressed in a couple of months, then come back to have you fix all my problems and impose on you again. K?"
Obviously, I don't connect with the Prodigal.
The steadfast son is who I understand. I connect with him. The one who stays faithfully by his family's side, working hard, dealing with all the day-to-day cares of the household. He probably had to watch his dad's heart breaking over and over again while his brother made such terrible choices. He might have wanted to leave and do his own thing, too, but he knew his family needed him and he stayed. Sometimes that is the harder thing-to do what others need and to make sacrifices because you know it really is the better choice for everyone.
When the Prodigal returns, I bet the brother is not too happy about it. I assume that he's glad his brother is alive, and is glad to see his father happy again, but still a bit frustrated at the welcome the Prodigal receives. And wondering how long it will be before he's picking up the slack and watching his brother screw up again.
It is frustrating to see that the Prodigal seemingly gets REWARDED for his bad behavior with a party (more expense), a lot of attention and what seems to be a consequence-free end to his hard living, free spending ways. And after all that the brother has done, his dad seems to brush him off and take him for granted. To be completely petulant, it isn't fair.
I know that the point of the story is the depth of God's love and forgiveness to sinners. And while I also know that I am a sinner (like the Prodigal) it was only more recently that I realized that I AM the Prodigal! I've spent so much time sympathizing with the brother, that I went the opposite direction and got a little self righteous! The brother was probably in the same boat. He might have ended up focused on all the good stuff he'd done and continued to do that he thought he was so much better than his brother. He might not have realized the benefits that he was already getting.
I think we forget that making the right choices doesn't mean we deserve recognition or praise. Making the right choices means we don't have to suffer all the negative consequences that plague those who do follow the wrong path and who make mistakes. The Prodigal had to go through some awful stuff (so hungry that pigs' food looked appetizing?!?!) while his brother remained comfortable, protected and loved. And, of course, our ultimate rewards come in heaven, not on earth. THAT is really easy to forget because the earthly rewards are the tangible ones.
The Prodigal still annoys me. He had the same chances to do what was right, and chose wrong. He had the same loving family and gave up on them. I sympathize more with the brother in most ways, but I'm learning to admit and recognize my prodigal ways. The times and ways that I hurt others, show my selfishness and fall short of the standards that God sets. I know that I want to be welcomed back from my failures with as much love and forgiveness as the Prodigal receives, even if it doesn't feel like I've done anything nearly as extreme. Because it isn't about ranking our shortcomings or pitting them against each other. At the end of the day, we all have things to learn and areas to grow in. It doesn't help me to focus on anyone's issues but my own, or try to do a better/worse comparison.
So, I try to give the real life Prodigals some slack. Try to be as humble in my return to the fold as he was, returning home knowing how bad he must look after his ill-conceived foray into independence. And try to be grateful for the benefits I receive in the times that I chose not to stumble away from truth, even if they don't seem like much at the time.
February 1, 2011
January 27, 2011
So far, so good
The schedule is working! It's not smooth sailing, by any means, but I've been pleasantly surprised by how well K is responding. The first day I unveiled the schedule, he was really excited and wanted to check it all day long. He still does and is in such a better mood as a result of the greater sense of control and understanding of what to expect from his day.
I still don't have the strength to wake them up every morning if they are still sleeping (which is maybe 1 day in 7). It goes against just about every instinct in me, the product of compounded lack of sleep, I'm sure. And I still have some trouble staying on task when I'm tired or have other things to do. So there's plenty of room for improvement.
The good parts have been wonderful, though. My husband or I are doing at least an hour of homeschool each day with K. He's loving the learning and attention of that time. And I'm finding that I'm much less scared of having him home now that I'm actually doing it. The theory of schooling him got a bit intimidating. Putting it into practice is showing the benefits of this time with him: how much he likes it, getting to watch him learn, being a part of shaping his love of learning, etc. We still haven't made a concrete decision, but I feel more informed already!
Another benefit is that K ends up watching less TV. We're busier and have limits on when he can watch, so even when he CAN he often doesn't WANT to anymore. And that also means less noise in the house. Win, win!
I'm optimistic about the future of this. I'm very happy to see something like this working. Sometimes it seems like nothing will change for the better-at least that's what my pessimistic tendencies tell me. It's good to be proven wrong!
I still don't have the strength to wake them up every morning if they are still sleeping (which is maybe 1 day in 7). It goes against just about every instinct in me, the product of compounded lack of sleep, I'm sure. And I still have some trouble staying on task when I'm tired or have other things to do. So there's plenty of room for improvement.
The good parts have been wonderful, though. My husband or I are doing at least an hour of homeschool each day with K. He's loving the learning and attention of that time. And I'm finding that I'm much less scared of having him home now that I'm actually doing it. The theory of schooling him got a bit intimidating. Putting it into practice is showing the benefits of this time with him: how much he likes it, getting to watch him learn, being a part of shaping his love of learning, etc. We still haven't made a concrete decision, but I feel more informed already!
Another benefit is that K ends up watching less TV. We're busier and have limits on when he can watch, so even when he CAN he often doesn't WANT to anymore. And that also means less noise in the house. Win, win!
I'm optimistic about the future of this. I'm very happy to see something like this working. Sometimes it seems like nothing will change for the better-at least that's what my pessimistic tendencies tell me. It's good to be proven wrong!
January 9, 2011
A little rant
For all my frustrations with parenting and schedules, I have to say (with a grumble) that I'm really not too bad at either one! That is what really gets me! Our house is not a free-for-all. Meals and bedtimes are relatively normal. I play with my kids and teach them. I work hard to teach manners, lead by example, to discipline and most of all to love and affirm them.
As against the grain as it is to say, since parents (moms in particular) are pretty hard on themselves, I AM a good mom to my boys! I think I'd want to be my kid.
But, there are obvious issues we are facing that have to be dealt with. So, I've broken down (or gotten smart, not sure which) and made a written, semi-detailed schedule for us to follow.
I'm going to do something extreme (for me) and wake my kids up at a certain time each day. I pray, pray, pray, pray that in doing this we can set an internal wake up clock for the kids and have some normalcy to the start of our day. If I can have some guarantee of when they will wake up, I might be able to wake up before them and get myself centered for the day. Maybe that will help them sleep better. And if both of them can have a good idea of what the order of things are each morning, we can try to eliminate some of the whining, boredom and laziness that often creeps in. If K can know when it is play time, when it is time to learn and when it is time to clean or eat, maybe he'll grumble less. If mealtimes are at an enforced time, at the table and all together, maybe I can cut down on K's constant asking for snacks, as well as his tendency to eat while moving around (making a huge mess).
I have big hopes for this. I've often made lists and plans for my own time, but I don't usually try to set things up for other people. I'm praying hard that this will make a difference. That I can stick with it and turn at least a few things in life around for the good.
As against the grain as it is to say, since parents (moms in particular) are pretty hard on themselves, I AM a good mom to my boys! I think I'd want to be my kid.
But, there are obvious issues we are facing that have to be dealt with. So, I've broken down (or gotten smart, not sure which) and made a written, semi-detailed schedule for us to follow.
I'm going to do something extreme (for me) and wake my kids up at a certain time each day. I pray, pray, pray, pray that in doing this we can set an internal wake up clock for the kids and have some normalcy to the start of our day. If I can have some guarantee of when they will wake up, I might be able to wake up before them and get myself centered for the day. Maybe that will help them sleep better. And if both of them can have a good idea of what the order of things are each morning, we can try to eliminate some of the whining, boredom and laziness that often creeps in. If K can know when it is play time, when it is time to learn and when it is time to clean or eat, maybe he'll grumble less. If mealtimes are at an enforced time, at the table and all together, maybe I can cut down on K's constant asking for snacks, as well as his tendency to eat while moving around (making a huge mess).
I have big hopes for this. I've often made lists and plans for my own time, but I don't usually try to set things up for other people. I'm praying hard that this will make a difference. That I can stick with it and turn at least a few things in life around for the good.
January 8, 2011
Whirlwind
The last month sure has kicked my butt! Between the holidays and sickness and parenting struggles and traveling, I haven't found the time to write anything. Hopefully it will settle down shortly.
S is growing by leaps and bounds lately. He's been crawling for a month and a half and has just started pulling himself up on things. I'm very curious to see when he starts walking. So far he's been on roughly the same track developmentally as his big brother, which means he might start walking in about 2 months. Only time will tell, though! He's got almost 4 teeth (and doesn't handle the teething process to well). Sleeping got worse again due to teething and sickness. This winter has been brutal in terms of colds and flu! I'm still so thankful that that is the only kind of sickness my kids (and us parents) have to deal with right now. It's a pain, but so much better than being in the hospital for anything, or dealing with a more serious illness!
Two really fun things about S right now are the way he giggles about things and talks to himself, and the way he expresses his love to all of us. He makes lots of little sounds all the time-humming and mumbling to himself when he's sleepy or eating or playing. He also has started doing a little giggle to himself or about the things other people are doing. Sometimes when he notices someone doing something, he just starts giggling. It's very cute! As a lovey-dovey little baby, he loves to get and give kisses. As he gets stronger it's gotten a little more painful, but also more cute. He'll grab the sides of my neck, pull my face to himself and "kiss" my mouth with his slobbery little mouth! Or, if he can't manage to find my mouth, my chin or jaw works, too. It's painful and wet, but still very sweet. He'll do it to other people too.
K is changing on what seems like a day to day basis as well. I'm becoming very aware of the fact that he'll be 5 in a few months! He's such a little boy now. All limbs and attitude, discovery and mischief. He says some of the funniest things and uses new words all the time. When I get frustrated, I usually say "dang it". The other day K got frustrated and said, "This is so dang it!" Gotta love the way they apply things!
The two biggest issues with him now are what to do about school next year and how to continue to mold his attitude (manners, listening, obeying, etc). The school issue I'm extremely split on. I've always planned to homeschool, especially in the beginning. I know boys are often treated unfairly in school since the educational system doesn't leave much room for running around and getting energy out or letting kids be more free with their creativity. K is a strong-willed, very active boy and while I would like to see how a trained teacher would reign him in, I also worry that he would be squelched. I also know my own weaknesses and what greater cause for guilt is there than the idea that you are teaching your child wrong-whether by giving in too much or not knowing what exactly he needs? I plan to visit the local school and get a better idea of what it is like and do some more research into a curriculum for homeschool, then make a decision. These next couple of months are a bit intimidating on that front.
Then there is the discipline issue. I still keep coming back to the routine thing in this area, like so many others. I try very hard to give some structure to our days: meal times, bedtime, time on the computer and in front of the TV, play time, etc, etc. I always feel I come up short. I don't know if it will get better once S is bigger and able to follow a similar routine. But I see so clearly how missing sleep, quiet time, meal time or play time windows end up with K acting out, getting snotty, or having some sort of tantrum. I just keep reminding myself to stay consistent and try again when I fail.
Whew, this parenting thing is just so dang complicated!
But I also try to remember to enjoy the little wonders of children: the cuddles and giggles, the trust and love they show us, watching them grow and learn, seeing the times they put what we've taught them into practice (he DOES listen!), seeing myself and my husband reflected in their personalities and faces. I'm never one to over romanticize things (usually the opposite, actually), but there are some truly amazing moments to be had as a parent!
S is growing by leaps and bounds lately. He's been crawling for a month and a half and has just started pulling himself up on things. I'm very curious to see when he starts walking. So far he's been on roughly the same track developmentally as his big brother, which means he might start walking in about 2 months. Only time will tell, though! He's got almost 4 teeth (and doesn't handle the teething process to well). Sleeping got worse again due to teething and sickness. This winter has been brutal in terms of colds and flu! I'm still so thankful that that is the only kind of sickness my kids (and us parents) have to deal with right now. It's a pain, but so much better than being in the hospital for anything, or dealing with a more serious illness!
Two really fun things about S right now are the way he giggles about things and talks to himself, and the way he expresses his love to all of us. He makes lots of little sounds all the time-humming and mumbling to himself when he's sleepy or eating or playing. He also has started doing a little giggle to himself or about the things other people are doing. Sometimes when he notices someone doing something, he just starts giggling. It's very cute! As a lovey-dovey little baby, he loves to get and give kisses. As he gets stronger it's gotten a little more painful, but also more cute. He'll grab the sides of my neck, pull my face to himself and "kiss" my mouth with his slobbery little mouth! Or, if he can't manage to find my mouth, my chin or jaw works, too. It's painful and wet, but still very sweet. He'll do it to other people too.
K is changing on what seems like a day to day basis as well. I'm becoming very aware of the fact that he'll be 5 in a few months! He's such a little boy now. All limbs and attitude, discovery and mischief. He says some of the funniest things and uses new words all the time. When I get frustrated, I usually say "dang it". The other day K got frustrated and said, "This is so dang it!" Gotta love the way they apply things!
The two biggest issues with him now are what to do about school next year and how to continue to mold his attitude (manners, listening, obeying, etc). The school issue I'm extremely split on. I've always planned to homeschool, especially in the beginning. I know boys are often treated unfairly in school since the educational system doesn't leave much room for running around and getting energy out or letting kids be more free with their creativity. K is a strong-willed, very active boy and while I would like to see how a trained teacher would reign him in, I also worry that he would be squelched. I also know my own weaknesses and what greater cause for guilt is there than the idea that you are teaching your child wrong-whether by giving in too much or not knowing what exactly he needs? I plan to visit the local school and get a better idea of what it is like and do some more research into a curriculum for homeschool, then make a decision. These next couple of months are a bit intimidating on that front.
Then there is the discipline issue. I still keep coming back to the routine thing in this area, like so many others. I try very hard to give some structure to our days: meal times, bedtime, time on the computer and in front of the TV, play time, etc, etc. I always feel I come up short. I don't know if it will get better once S is bigger and able to follow a similar routine. But I see so clearly how missing sleep, quiet time, meal time or play time windows end up with K acting out, getting snotty, or having some sort of tantrum. I just keep reminding myself to stay consistent and try again when I fail.
Whew, this parenting thing is just so dang complicated!
But I also try to remember to enjoy the little wonders of children: the cuddles and giggles, the trust and love they show us, watching them grow and learn, seeing the times they put what we've taught them into practice (he DOES listen!), seeing myself and my husband reflected in their personalities and faces. I'm never one to over romanticize things (usually the opposite, actually), but there are some truly amazing moments to be had as a parent!
December 10, 2010
Gourmet Friday
This is our current favorite recipe. I got it out of the magazine Real Simple and tried it mainly because it said it was a meal for people who don't like to clean up. All you need is a roasting pan, a couple of utensils and a cutting board. It tastes absolutely amazing!
I'm going to be lazy today and just put the link to it on Real Simple's site.
Chicken with tomatoes and olives
I'm going to be lazy today and just put the link to it on Real Simple's site.
Chicken with tomatoes and olives
Life Lesson
Lots of people say things they will do when they reach a new stage in life without really knowing what they are talking about. I am no exception. I always said that I wouldn't be one of those overbearing moms who was a slave to her children's nap and sleep schedule, wouldn't overburden other people with rules for dealing with my kids, wouldn't get too worried about every little problem or hurt that my kids encountered. In most ways, I have followed my own "wouldn'ts". However, I've found that to be my problem.
Flexibility in parenting my kids, especially in some of the ways I've been flexible, isn't working. I've ended up being overwhelmed, undermined and submarined in ways I thought I was avoiding by not burdening myself or my kids with unnecessary rules. Live and learn.
So, I'm on a tightening up mission. Making (and enforcing) some new rules, and trying to decide how to communicate these rules to other people who take care of my kids. It is going very well with K. I've found that he craves more rules. Without them, he feels like he should be in charge of everything, then is overwhelmed by the power he thinks he has. It is very curious to watch.
Last week we changed the duties on his "Responsibility Chart" (a magnetic board with cool magnets that we got at Target) and he helped me choose which responsibilities he will have. Then he did a wonderful job of trying to do all of them. He seems so much happier with this arrangement! I hope that we can keep it up and that this change will make a long term difference.
There's nothing like confronting your shortcomings to make you feel like a failure, though. Between this rule thing and the making and sticking to routines that I've been attempting with the sleep training, it sure shows me that these things don't come naturally to me. I'm fine with ordering my own life, but I struggle when I have to do it for other people, even my own children to a degree. Maybe once we've repeated the new rules and stuff enough, it will get a bit easier!
Flexibility in parenting my kids, especially in some of the ways I've been flexible, isn't working. I've ended up being overwhelmed, undermined and submarined in ways I thought I was avoiding by not burdening myself or my kids with unnecessary rules. Live and learn.
So, I'm on a tightening up mission. Making (and enforcing) some new rules, and trying to decide how to communicate these rules to other people who take care of my kids. It is going very well with K. I've found that he craves more rules. Without them, he feels like he should be in charge of everything, then is overwhelmed by the power he thinks he has. It is very curious to watch.
Last week we changed the duties on his "Responsibility Chart" (a magnetic board with cool magnets that we got at Target) and he helped me choose which responsibilities he will have. Then he did a wonderful job of trying to do all of them. He seems so much happier with this arrangement! I hope that we can keep it up and that this change will make a long term difference.
There's nothing like confronting your shortcomings to make you feel like a failure, though. Between this rule thing and the making and sticking to routines that I've been attempting with the sleep training, it sure shows me that these things don't come naturally to me. I'm fine with ordering my own life, but I struggle when I have to do it for other people, even my own children to a degree. Maybe once we've repeated the new rules and stuff enough, it will get a bit easier!
December 3, 2010
Short Story
Her Body
She stood in front of the mirror in her little outfit, making those slight and not so slight turns to and fro that allow for what seems like a total picture of yourself. The skirt was shorter than she could (or should?) probably pull off at her age. The top was low, but not scandalously so. There wasn’t much fabric overall. That was the point, of course.
Looking at herself so attired lent itself to reflection. Having children had taken a toll on her body, but actually not in a horrid way. No stretch marks, expanded hips or rolls of fat. But there was the general squishiness of her skin, particularly in the stomach, that came from all the changes the body endured. Add that to the aging process and she could definitely see the difference the last few years were making in her skin in particular. The hips and waist had the turned out and thickened appearance that few (no?) mothers can escape. But again, not too bad in the scheme of things.
Not too bad does not make her feel comfortable, though.
How other women could go out in public like this, she could never understand. How anyone could feel empowered by being so exposed made no sense. Like most carelessly adopted beliefs, it probably had very little basis in reality for any of the women who so vigorously expounded it. Insecurity is often masked by an over-the-top show of bravado. The fact that bravado is supposed to be paraded about clothed like a woman of the night is obviously a falsity perpetrated by men.
Our particular woman is not one who pretends to be either fully self-possessed and secure, nor so insecure as to put on a mask of confidence when there isn’t any underneath. The outfit is not to be worn. At least not in public. On a particularly saucy day, maybe she would wear it for her husband. These outfits are for the benefit of men anyway. Her husband already knows her imperfections, and loves her for them, and in spite of them. Not nearly as scary a prospect as the dreaded public.
With her twenties far behind her, a redefinition of self is taking place. How can she be beautiful and desirable (goals that have been sewn into her understanding of herself for as long as she can remember) when she no longer fits the typical definition of either of those traits? At least in her own mind. Age changed her understanding of herself. Life feels so different that she can’t help wondering if anything is the same.
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